Patent Players Strengthen Your Hand

I know that some of you have a job where  you specialize in just one of the patent player roles.  If this is how you roll, if this is how you lace ’em up everyday before work, this post is a woof out to you from me, Rotwire.

And Patent Players Mean Well Too… Mostly

Upon reflection, which by the way looks rippled in my water dish whenever the Sherpa Shuttle idles at our bus stop, I should have left “mostly” out of this heading.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  It was irresponsible.  And, although I won’t, I really ought to retool the heading to let the world know I think nothing but the best of every single one of you guys.

There you have it.  I, Rotwire, hydrocanoid extraordinaire, have said it… and mean it… because it’s true.  And, if you think you see an unflattering connotation somewhere, or a dark cloud hanging over words unsaid, that’s on you, not me.  As an invention myself, I don’t have an unkind word for you pros who have helped transform more than one fledgling gizmotron into a rock star product.  Not a single unkind word.

Although, it is true that some invention friends of mine toss the odd barb your way from time to time because of some slight suffered at your hands. And, there was the one time I sat spellbound as several pretty amazing mechanical devices spilled their guts to me after one round too many of 10-W-40.  One, a heavy duty clutch, was burnt out and burnt up.  Something about loss of self-esteem after a humongous drop in value when its patent tanked.  But, hey, I don’t put too much stock in these tales of woe, no matter how many I hear.

Attorneys & Agents

Patent Player Roles: Attorney and Agent

I mean, patent attorneys and agents can’t be blamed if sometimes they get bogged down a little with vegan finger food, selfies, and afternoon jazz concerts down in the city.  When you take into account all the deadlines relentlessly converging on them from across the globe like lurching zombies in a bad B horror movie, they probably do need some R&R, a little me time in the me cave if you will.

Research & Business Managers

Patent Player Roles: Research and Business Managers

And, you can’t put the onus on research managers for pulling manpower off patent projects, given their business managers just slashed their entire budget, and given everybody’s hunkered down in panic mode, what with all those artificial deadlines needing immediate attention.  Likewise, you can’t give the business managers a hard time since the execs they report to are bringing down the hammer in response to three consecutive quarters of moderate profits, which is only a problem because the company just went public, which brings us to starched white shirts, hyped expectations, crushing disappointment, and Wall Street…#@$%!

Patent Paralegals & Administrative Assistants

Patent Player Roles: Paralegal and Administrative Assistant

Now, here’s where you can get bent out of shape.  You can get really miffed at patent paralegals and administrative assistants when their turn-around-time increases drastically for handling your unreasonable requests.  What’s that?!  The staff was just cut in spite of a ton of new lawyers and agents being added?  And, they have more meetings to attend because management just brought in a high priced training outfit to tell them how lucky they are to be “outside their comfort zone?!”  Hmm, I guess the paralegal/AA angle is out too.  Bummer!

Patent Searchers & Analysts

Patent Player Roles: Patent Searcher and Analyst

Of course, it’s a no brainer to grant the searchers and analysts a pass as well.  There never were enough of them to go around.  And, know this: you’re search request is somewhere in their scheduling stack and will probably be getting their attention sooner than you deserve.

Patent Examiners

Patent Player Roles: Patent Examiner

Wait a minute!  Why did I not think of this sooner?  Patent examiners!  Of course!  Everybody likes to pile on when it comes to patent examiners.  Who do you blame when there’s nobody else willing to take the blame?  Examiners!  Perfect!  Count me in for a double!  Yet… to be fair… the rest of us probably shouldn’t use you examiners as punching bags until we’ve done some serious introspection, some thoughtful soul searching, some even-handed self assessment… until we’ve questioned our own motives at length… until we’ve asked around for some constructive peer criticism.

OK, that’s not gonna to happen any time soon.  So, patent examiners, you’re off the hook too.

Inventors

Patent Player Roles: Inventor

And, finally, we come to that most ubiquitous species in all of patentdom, the inventor.  As an invention and self-appointed advocate for inventions everywhere, I’ll be having lots to say about inventors in future posts of Rotwire Unleashed.  For now, however, I plan to look the other way regarding their cheap talk at nerd gatherings, cheap talk about “throwing inventions over the fence” with eyes closed and fingers crossed.  And, I’ll refrain from tales of crucial supporting data arriving on the patent attorney’s desk late on the eve of a non-extendable deadline.

I’m cutting this slack because inventors don’t just scamper around stress-free all day sporting melted pocket protectors on smoldering lab coats, with nothing but fantastic gizmos and chemical fireworks on their minds.  Ok, a few do.  Well, most do.  But, many of them also have lots of meetings to endure, meaningless quarterly reports to write, samples to mislabel, safety demerits to avoid, 360 degree personnel evaluations to bend the compass needle on, mean 12-sigma black belts itching for a fight… on average… countless experiments to fail at in pursuit of one actual success… and, lest we forget, project milestones rolling down hill toward them along the curved space of desired results that may not even be achievable given the grumpy disposition of the cosmos.

Howling Out To Lone Wolves

And, that’s just inventors working in large companies.  If you’re a lone wolf inventor, you may be holding down at least one job, while doing inventing unrelated to that job in your spare time, all with almost no resources and little or no experience with patenting.  I can’t even pretend to give you a hard time….  I will later though… but not now.

OMG!

OMG!  News flash to self!  All along, I’ve been telling Rich not to bother with Season Four on The Players, or even Episode 3 of Season One, also about you guys, because I didn’t think you’d be all that interested in each other.  I mean, I’m almost never interested in anybody but myself, so who knew?  Although, I do have several close friends, but they’re all me so I suppose that doesn’t count.  Yet, now my eyes are wide open.  (My ears have pricked up too and my tail is wagging, but you can’t relate, so you don’t have a need to know and I’m not telling.)

But, it seems you do need to know about each other.  If you just talked more, and empathized more, all this patenting stuff would work much more smoothly.  And, even if that doesn’t work out, think about the great bitching and moaning sessions you’ll have.  The more the merrier.  The possibilities are endless!

That stuff about you Patent Players stays in!  Mostly!

Yours Drooling,